I wanna passion pit in your ass
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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