Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
