I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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