never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
