this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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