We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
