So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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