You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Never let your siblings swipe right.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize