I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
