The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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