are you so shy because you have an std?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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