He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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