The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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