If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
