can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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