there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
