We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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