If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
MIDGETS
????
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
