Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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