Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
