yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
