If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
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