Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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