I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
