I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
