I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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