Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
