he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
