Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
