I smell stomach acid.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize