wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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