I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
