a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
