please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
