I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
