In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Blow job season was short but glorious.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The adults are the big ones right?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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