So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize