I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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