Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
