I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
