I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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