yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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