If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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