I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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