Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
