So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
