I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
