I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How does one acquire holy water?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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