I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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