I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
