A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
