I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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