through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
