Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My liver just had a heart attack.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
