Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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