the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
