My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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