they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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