I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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