any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
