I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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