i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize