mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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