bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We named our party play list daddy issues
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
