Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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