her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
