Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
